December 5th

 Somehow I've got a lot to say, 1 hour isn't enough
I'm fucked up, don't I? 
When will this pain pass?

        Just between us, 
        did the love affair maim you too? 

I really ask that question to myself
What did you do to me? What did I do to myself? 

1 hour isn't enough
seeing you twice a year wasn't enought
kissing you wasn't enough
I wanted more
but you didn't want me.

You couldn't say you loved me
I did, many times
but you left me there
waiting
filling those pieces of silence for you.

You loved to talk
but not to me.
You were proud of being honest
but you couldn't be honest with me;
only with the rest
but me.

It hurt, you know? 
knowing my words weren't important
for you
knowing what I said wasn't real
was because of love, 
of emotions, of feelings, 
because you couldn't trust feelings, 
and that was me. 

Were they too warm for your heart? 

Who did hurt you so much?
I thought I was there
that I had broken the wall
that I was getting to know you for real, 
but one day you woke up
and decided to build it up again, 
leaving me on the other side
wondering how you were.

        "I did because I didn't want to worry you"
        when that was the reason I was there

I want to forget you
it's hard, I can't
feeling weak, sad and blue.

Was I too bright? 
I thought our lights started to work
at some point.
I gave you light, you reminded me of it,
you brought me warm, a place to call home
in your darkness;
we made a good team.

I miss you.

If you were to knock my door now
and ask me to start all over again
I would
but we cannot do it;
we must work on ourselves first,
I tell to myself while I cry with every love story I watch and read,
every break up remind me of us.

I can't read love stories.
I want to be my old self again,
as Taylor says,
I'm still trying to find it,
but I will never do again
because I'm not there anymore.

Don't belong there,
don't fit there.

I'm tired, 
tired of pretending, 
of concealing, of hiding, 
of covering up;
I'm done.

I loved you, with all my heart,
cared about you as a friend
and, of course, much more than that.

I hope the best for both of us,
I still hate you tho,
I don't like you now;
don't know what I'm feeling, 
A big mess I am, a big one.

Maybe I will hit bottom,
hope I can rise
and be me, letting go of everything,
being the one I always wanted to.